1. Ask your observer if he wants to race.
2. Wear a diaper.
3. Urinate all over the outside of the cup, and then refuse to wash your hands with anything accept antibacterial soap.
4. Inquire about a "take home cup"
5. Tell the observer you have a standing waiver while walking to the bathroom, and ask to take your business to the commode in the handicapped stall (proceed to sit down).
6. Express your feelings about why some guy is allowed to stare at your member, but not at your social security number.
7. Wave your "little airman" around like a light saber, while trying to convince the observer to "come to the dark side."
8. Get your "frank and beans" stuck in your zipper.
9. After four and a half hours holding it, pee so hard you knock the cup out of your hand.
10. When the nurse asks you to witness the cup being empty, insist that you have to stick your finger in there to "check it out for yourself."
11. When they call your name, walk to the counter looking really concerned. Calmly explain to the nurse that you haven't studied for this test, and want to know if there's any extra credit.
12. Put some water in your boot before the test. When you get to the peeing part, take off your boot, pour it into the cup, and shamefully say that you just couldn't wait.
13. Ask the observer to slap you on your rear-end a few times, just to get things going for you.
14. Bring a drink umbrella for your cup.
15. While this guy watches your Johnny ever so intently, stare right back at his. (For added effect, let the cup overflow and refer to statement number 3...)
16. Since this person has probably seen a lot of people pee, ask him how you measure up.
17. Before you start, self-check for hernias (turn, cough, etc...)
18. If your test is early in the day, complain adamantly about morning wood, and request that your observer hold the cup while you assume the "flying superman" position over the urinal.
19. Wear a condom.
