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Military Jokes and Humor

Funning Boot Camp Stories


Note: These are actual events; funny drill-instructor incidents, submitted by members of our Message Forum:

Getting Recycled

    "I'm going to recycle you so far you'll be at your first DEP meeting by the time I get through with you!"

Submitted by AirmanSoto

Screwing with the Dorm Guard

    I was doing dorm guard at the time...and the TI was obviously bored

    TI - "DORM GUARD!"

    Me - "Sir trainee so and so reports as ordered!"

    TI - "What the hell do you want?"

    Me - "Sir you called me."

    TI - "Are you on acid?"

    Me - "No Sir."

    TI - "Get out of my face!"

    - 2 seconds elapse -

    TI - "DORM GUARD! ... let me out..".

Submitted by ScopeDope001


    Army BCT...I was walking out the door to a formation and I was all upbeat about passing my PT earlier this morning. I was smiling and bouncy as anything...I was walking out the door when the DI said "PVT[me], get over here!"

    I grabbed a buddy and went over to him.

    He looked at me and said, "Pvt, no matter how you happy you get, you'll still be ugly."

    I looked at him for half a second, looked at my buddy and we (me and buddy) burst out laughing.

    Another drill sergeant comes over and looks at us. He then asked me:

    "Are you on crack?"

    All four of us just about died laughing.

Submitted by jadephoenix84

Is That You?

    Intercom: "Dorm Guard?"

    Me: "Sir, Trainee XXX reports as ordered!"

    Intercom: "Is that you XXX?"

    Me: "Yes Sir."

    Intercom: "Damn."

    Sad thing was I ended up being one of the better Ddorm Guards.

Submitted by TSUBAME2


    I screwed up big,

    "Liar! (My nickname my T.I. gave me), you're the reason why I can't go to @#$%&! Walmart and buy spray paint. They lock that sh*t up cause of huffers like you!"

Submitted by SIRPHREA1

Firing a Training Instructor

    I remember the time when our male TI made one of our trainees fire the female TI because he told him that the other TI wasn't in the dorm at the time.

    "If nobody's in there then that must mean that she's fired right? SO GO TELL HER SHE'S FIRED"

Submitted by ScopeDope001


    During P days when we were being instructed on tying our shoes without the bridge:

    "Sailors don't have bridges, gangbangers have bridges. My - a-didas...@#$%&!! that S**T!

    Jeez and there were so many more...

    "Shrek you still LLD?"

    "No Petty Officer" [Hands fitforfull duty chit]

    "Good, [snaps fingers]hit it" [points at floor]

Submitted by Banja

Piss Test

    "You'd better drink some #*$& water, I don't want your piss looking like golddust."

    After a recruit got a little too casual: "Okay 'Simmons,' do you wanna sit on the front porch swing, hold hands and drink lemonade with me?"


Tap Water

    PVT: "Excuse me, Drill Sergeant?"

    DS: "What is it?"

    PVT: "Drill Sergeant, I cannot drink the tapwater."

    DS: "Why not?"

    PVT: "The impurities make me ill, Drill Sergeant."

    DS: "Ill?"

    PVT: "Yes, Drill Sergeant. I can only drink bottled water."

    The Drill Sergeant paused a beat, unbelieving. Then he gestured at a nearby private.

    DS: "Private XXX, go and help Private Tapwater fill up his canteen, and make sure that he drinks it. There's nothing wrong with that water!"

    For the rest of the Basic Training, he was known as Private Tapwater. The other screwups like me were so glad to have him there, it saved us a lot of 'personal attention' from the Drill Sergeants. Thank you again, Pvt. Tapwater!

Submitted by Kozure

Checking the ID

    T.I. beats on door.

    T.I. - "Let me in!"

    Me - "Sir, dorm A6 may I see your indentification?"

    T.I. (puts picture of cat up to door) - "Here's my ID!"

    Me - "Sir, Trainee ***** reports as ordered! Sir that's not the proper ID."

    T.I. - "What the hell do you mean that's not the proper ID? It's a pussy. You're telling me you wouldn't let a guy in if he had pussy with him?"

Submitted by SIRPHREA1


    "I'm gonna recycle you so far back it's gonna take Michael J. Fox and a souped-up Delorian to get you back!!!"

Submitted by kappasig1304


    Everytime my T.I. would "recycle" someone they'd tell them to "pack your trash" and start playing "Another One Bites The Dust" by Queen lound so everyone could hear it (worst part was he would sing to it and laugh).

Submitted by SIRPHREA1

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