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The
Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering
a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)
1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake.
Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.
5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage
with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred
civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success
and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver
Stars.
7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State
Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building
rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other
snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.
8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal
thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using
countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand
how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire
support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats
to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist
snakes.
10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships,
kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee
on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force
projection.
11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs.
Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then
works feverishly to save snake's life.
15. Quartermaster: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)
16. C-17 Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment,
delivers two weeks after due date.
17. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter
and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.
18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and
misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake
due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too
dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that
purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable
it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military
affairs.
19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show
well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power
lines or SAM's.
20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake
builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor
wash blows snake into fire.
21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and
every other living thing within two miles of target.
22. MinuteMan Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake
in 20seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority
to use nuclear weapons.
23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators
of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake
activity as LOW.
24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing
grounds of professional courtesy.
25. Signal: Tries to communicate with snake...fail repeated attempts.
Complains that the snake did not have the correct fill or did not know
how to work equipment a child could operate. Signal Officer informs the
commander that he could easily communicate with the snake using just his
voice. Commander insists that he NEEDS to video-conference with the snake,
with real-time streaming positional and logistical data on the snake displayed
on video screens to either side. Gives Signal Corps $5 Billion to make
this happen. SigO abuses the 2 smart people in the corps to make it happen,
while everybody else stands around, bitches, and takes credit. In the
end, General Dynamics and several sub-contractors make a few billion dollars,
the 2 smart people get out and go to work for them, and the commander
gets what he asked for only in fiber-optic based simulations. The snake
is forgotten.
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