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Dear
Oakley Sunglasses Manufacturer,
I
am writing you for several reasons.....
1. I am out to sea and I am bored.
2. I am hoping that you send me lots of free stuff.
3. I have a pair of Oakley Frogskins Sunglasses.
I bought me a pair of your sunglasses a while back. The fake tortise shell
colored plain frogskins. They worked as advertised. That is they made
everything darker which is the purpose of sunglasses as near as I can
tell.
And this is not the first pair of your sunglasses I have purchased. I
usually have them last about three months before I lose them. My wife
has threratened to pop rivit the damn things to my skull if I lose another
pair.
As I imagine this could be quite painful, I have taken care to keep up
with this pair. (My wife is a redhead, I think she would really do it
too) I have had this pair for about nine months. They were a birthday
present from my wife.
I have not wore them more than a couple of times in the last six months.
Here is the reason why.
I am 35 years old and I have a son who just turned 13. I took my family
to go see a concert. Because it was dark in the auditorium I took my sunglasses
off and put them in my shirt pocket. (my wife was making fun of me for
trying to suck my gut in, wearing my shades indoors, and trying to look
cool in front of all the 18 year old females) After the show, as we were
leaving the Auditorium, My son starts lipping off as only a 12 year old
can. It was dark outside and the little heathen child of mine dared to
suggest that his dad was old and fat. Then he started running toward the
truck. Just to prove to him that his dad was still a studly sumbitch,
I started racing him. As I was motivating my 6'7" 265 pound frame
past his young impertinent ass, my Oakley Frogskins bounced out of my
shirt pocket! As they landed on the ground, I stepped on them with my
size 13 Cowboy Boot. Of course this meant that I had to abandon the race.
I DID NOT LOSE NO MATTER WHAT THE DAMN KID SAYS! I HAD TO STOP TO GET
MY SUN GLASSES!
Here is the cool part. The damned glasses didn't break! But the lenses
got scratched all to hell. When I wear them I feel like I have cataracts
and need a cornea transplant. But I do still wear them. Especially when
it's really bright outside. I have to be really careful when I am driving
because I can't see worth a damn. But it gives going to the grocery store
a whole new thrill.
I am writing you to ask if I can get replacement lenses for my frogskins.
Everytime I mention buying a new pair to the wife, she gets the Pop Rivit
gun out and starts making threatening gestures.
If you can find it in your heart to send me a replacement set of Frogskin
lenses I would be truely grateful. Hell, I'll pay ya for 'em. If you should
decide to send me a free pair of each style and color of the Frogskins
I would probably put you on my Christmas card list. There is no higher
honor.
I have a couple of questions for you......
1. What is this Thermo Nuclear Protection stuff? What idiot did you get
to test that out? "Jimmy, You stand right here and we are gonna explode
this bigass bomb right over yonder. Now we expect that yer entire body
is gonna get vaporised. All except fer yer eyeballs. See, yer wearing
Oakleys and they got that Thermonuclear Protection stuff".
2. Who is Oakley?
Written
by Jeff Wall -- Used with Permission
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