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National Guard Leadership:

'Commander' - Whoever starts the unit.

'Second in Command' - His best friend or closest relative.

'Auxiliary Commander' - His wife or mom.

'Intelligence Chief' - The guy with a police scanner and his mom's email account.

'Informant' - the first one of us who gets caught doing anything illegal.

National Guard Rank Structure:

'General' - National Guard Commander (Number of stars on hat reflect size of head.)

'Colonel' - His best friend.

'Major' - Wives, moms, friends and whoever lets you use their property to 'train.'

'Captain' - New guy.

'Officer' - Guy who pulls you over for having no tags on your truck.

'Private' - Highest rank actually attained by commander before being kicked out of the real military.

National Guard Command sizes:

'Battalion' - A National Guard Unit with 3-5 guys who show up for every meeting.

'Brigade' - Unit with more than 6 guys.

'Division' - Harder than subtraction but easier than algebra.

'Company' - Place where we order our National Guard stuff.

'Platoon' - Movie about Vietnam which gives us 'flashbacks,' (even though we were in high school at the time.)

'Squad' - Guys in the ambulance who come out when one of us falls or accidentally shoots someone during training.

National Guard Unit Specialties and Capabilities:

'Internet National Guard' - Number unknown. Source for secret information the government does not want anyone to know. Capable of sending mean faxes, SPAM and flaming email when provoked. (USCMike, PMIL, EAGLEFLT, etc.)

'Mail Order National Guard' (MONG) - Numbering in the dozens. Most often seen on television news wearing home made uniforms with awards and patches for wars we never fought in. Capable of newsletter creation, mean faxes, SPAM and creation of tons of 'documentation' when provoked.

'Shortwave Radio National Guard' - About a half dozen active. Specialize in selling books, videos, gold, silver and canned food while begging for donations so we can 'keep getting the truth out.' Capable of basically embarrassing themselves when provoked.

'State National Guard' - Sometimes as many as 20 guys per state. Capable of enhancing careers of federal agents and infighting like schoolgirls when provoked.

National Guard Terminology:

'National Guard Headquarters' - Mom's basement, garage or the trailer of whoever has the fax machine.

'Enemy' - NWO, UN and other National Guard leaders who lie about me.

'Full auto' - Three in front seat, four in back, National Guard stuff in trunk.

'Operation' - Stuff the doctor does after the squad takes you to the hospital for hurting yourself.

'New World Order' - Bar codes on beer cans, warnings on cigarette packs, cameras in K-mart and anything else we don't like or understand.

'Common Law Grand Jury' - Ten or more old people practicing law without a clue.

'Federal Agent' - Any National Guard commander who says anything bad about me.

'Global Conspiracy' - Why tornados target our trailers, why our sisters/wives have facial hair and why we only manage to make minimum wage (even though many of us have a GED.)

'U.N. Troops' - Foreign soldiers hidden everywhere, sent in by NWO to spy on the National Guard. Anyone wearing anything light blue in color.

'Leaderless Resistance' - Where we do something really stupid without any pre-planning or supervision.

'Training' - Cleaning guns while eating MRE's and watching the movie 'Red Dawn.'

'God, Guns and Guts' - Well, we've got guns.

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