Looking back, I can tell it hurt him to have to inform me. At the time, though… it was hard for me to concentrate on anything. I didn’t want to believe it – who in their right mind would want to believe their child was dead? I was in a daze.
I was allowed to use the phone in the Command Master Chief Petty Officer’s officer for privacy, so that I could call the hospital and get details. James lived with his mother in California – I’m stationed in Norfolk. I missed talking with his mother at the hospital by five minutes, but was able to talk with the nurse that tended to him, and got what details she could tell me. Later, I talked with his mother at her home.
I was told by my command that I could be spared from the exercise, and that emergency leave was granted as soon as I got the dates that I needed. At first, I was going to fly straight to California myself – I could afford to do that, barely. While I was waiting on dates for the funeral (his body was held for autopsy in light of his death being due to hit and run), the Porter’s First Class Petty Officer’s Association decided that they were going to pay for my plane ticket, and for my lodging in San Diego. Additionally, after some of the details were announced to the crew, my shipmates took up a collection to allow my mother to accompany me.
I have a few friends in the forum, and had posted there what happened simply by providing a link to the news article(s) in the San Diego papers. I kept being asked if there was any way to help, did I want flowers sent… I stated that I didn’t want to seem to be soliciting, but if someone really wanted to assist, I provided a link to PayPal where I had an account. And did I get surprised at the generosity that was afforded me.
Between my shipmates, my friends in the forum, old shipmates (my friend Kevin runs a website for USS Samuel Gompers Crewmembers, and announced it there as well) and friends of my siblings, I was able to drive up to Ohio, and joined my core family group – Mother, brother, and both sisters – who were able to fly with me, and give me support (and did I ever need it) for the funeral. And, even after donating money to help – someone(s) from the ship still donated flowers – a bouquet of 15 red roses – for the funeral.
Although he was not able to join us to fly to California for the funeral, upon our return to Ohio my father met us at the airport (after having driven up from Florida) to offer his condolences and support.
Originally, I had only asked for one week of emergency leave. I didn’t realize how badly the funeral was going to affect me, and so ended up asking for an addition week’s extension. It is up to the command whether to grant such an extension – and in this case, it was granted.
It’s been hard dealing with the loss – and I’m fortunate to have many friends to help me. Not just personal friends, but shipmates and those friends I’ve not met except for on forums. And – of course – my family.
Recently, all those emotional scabs were ripped back up. At the end of January, my Grandmother passed away. Even though this had been expected for some years, it was still a shock. And again, the command supported my going on emergency leave (we were in homeport, and only moving over to the shipyards) after we received notification from the American Red Cross.
I’ve been blessed with the support network that I have – those friends and shipmates that dug in and did what they could to help – even if it was only to listen to me cry (I went through two boxes of Kleenix the first two days), or read my ramblings in the forum and offer kind words and sympathy. I’ve received all sorts of pamphlets and books and cards from well-meaning souls on how to get through this – and I appreciate them all.
I’ve been trying to think of a good conclusion for this installation of the series. I think that the previous paragraph is it.
